"Did I drive you away?"
I am still not done my summer reading. I am sortof working on it right now. I'm rushing through this On the Road book by Jack Kerouac, which I just figured out is mostly a work of fiction. My mind is blown. But it is very good and I'm going through it fast. I have a depressing feeling of it being too late for me to do something. It's not too late at all. I don't think. Then again, I have several depressing feelings right now. But unlike yesterday, I have exuberant and bright thoughts to balance them out. However, without caffeine, I fear they will travel on without me into the haze of this year. I warn you now, this will be a prose-filled blog. I'm feeling poetic after reading a lot of this beautiful book.
No, this feeling of lateness is for certain. I feel dizzy. My brother isn't here anymore, and I want him to be. You know, just to cheer me up just a little bit more. I called him and he says it's too late and that he is not near my house. Something tells me he will surprise me with a short visit. Something. That same something tells me this powerful, deep down feeling I'm having right now is utter nonsense and will fade in the night hours when I'll sleep it away. But I can't accept that anymore. However, with the days that go by, it gets stronger in each fleeting streak it appears. Stronger and more durable, I'd say. You have no clue what I'm talking about, but it's darn important. I promise you.
"I jumped across for you. What a thing to do."
This is the way Luke feels for people. The real feelings are the one that drives him nuts in obsession, observation and decision. These sortof feelings are new to me, and they distract me from school work, bring me to tears at certain nighttimes, and bring about sullen overheatings of the mind. Thanks Jack Kerouac for giving me the voice of a lone wanderer rife with mixed emotions.
Yesterday was a living nightmare, in sadness terms. I love the way she helped me. It made me so sure, if not satisfied at the time. Today was much better. But still, not fantastic. However, tomorrow and Thursday will be different. I will try. I just need to get into this groove that hit me out of left field and crushed my spirit. I wonder if that someone still does what they say they did and what I am doing now. Feeling.
Sometimes I'm not sure I could sit there silently. I want to hear everything you know, think, feel, remember, hate, love, and are.
More chicken-cheesesteak tonight. I am full with emotions and greasy Italian food. Do you find that funny? Do you find me funny? I certainly hope so, I'm not sure I can take the silence.
Please. Give me a smile. Smile, and say you do.
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